When Santa Claus Was Smoking on His Way to Town

/ Ray Van Horn, Jr. / 15 Comments

With a ho-ho-ho and a cough-cough-wheeze, it just wasn’t cookies and egg nog Santa Claus was craving if you were alive during the 1950s and early Sixties.

Now let me get this down right off-the-bat: I despise smoking, especially as I lost my father to COPD due to his debilitating chain habit. My mother and stepfather successfully quit decades ago and I applaud them for it. With all the warnings and evidence of self-destruction out there, it pains me to see people still running to cigarettes in modern times. That’s just me, though, and if I’ve offended any smokers out there, no direct judgment. It’s all good. You do you. Peace.

It’s damned near laughable to think of a halcyon, manufactured holiday totem nearly as sanctified as Jesus Christ as anything less than pure and, except for any romps in the sack with Mrs. Claus, virginal. Santa Claus to children everywhere is the symbol of all that is right in the world at Christmastime. To parents, a means of both staying young themselves while having a figurehead of righteousness with which to reinforce good behavior. If not, forget the coal; there be ol’ Krampus to contend with.

Okay, so Santa Claus has been shown to have a nasty side, such as Black Christmas and the Silent Night Deadly Night films. Those bloody exploits catering to the sicker crowd (I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t fess up to enjoying those dreadful arcs of dreck), can you really fathom, in this age of cancel, a Santa Claus as pitchman for cancer sticks?

We’re talking about 70 years ago, when you might find (according to advertisers of the day) Lucky Strikes, Chesterfields, Camels, even Prince Albert loose leaf tobacco in a can in your stocking if you were not only good all year, but “cool.”

While smoking was a huge pastime of the entire 20th century, it was the 1950s where your hip factor was at stake if you smoked or not. My parents told me the stories, I heard it from many others of their generation. You can see it in films and old t.v. ads and radio jingles back then. The Fabulous Fifties were extra faboo with a smoldering ciggie out of your mouth.

I mean, even Alan Hale, aka “The Skipper” in Gilligan’s Island, once did a bit in cosmopolitan Santa Drag to hawk Chesterfields. Chesterfield also utilizing a little ABC motif to create a tongue-waggling, Pavlovian buzz phrase, “Always Buy Chesterfield.” Hit ’em all, no matter the age bracket, current and future customers alike.

Gee, Santa, do you prefer them filtered or unfiltered? Was the Surgeon General on your naughty or nice list? I mean, okay, sure, who doesn’t want a little release after something as magnanimous as delivering presents down chimneys to households worldwide, never once explaining how he gets into apartments and homes relying on central heat instead of fireplaces? The way the world is today and legalization coming into play, don’t be surprised to see Santa wearing a rasta-colored hat with all eight reindeer as high as him in a cloud of reefer. Now we’d finally know why Rudolph’s nose is so red!

Personally, I prefer Santa’s caffeine addiction over nicotine, just sayin’ I don’t drink soda much anymore, but Coke always was it for me, and I left Santa Claus that with cookies more than I did milk back as child. Because I’ve seen a lifetime of Santa really taking a shine to Coca-Cola and I’m grateful for that.

–Ray Van Horn, Jr.

Slam Dancin’ Santa!

/ Ray Van Horn, Jr. / 2 Comments

An annual posting tradition of mine at the holidays. I’ll never forget when it came on MTV during Headbangers Ball, then other times in the middle of the night. I was howling like an idiot teen at this doofy station promo clip of a moshing Santa and will love it to my last breath. So punk rock!

–Ray Van Horn, Jr.

Attention: Book Reviewers: Soliciting Reviews of “Revolution Calling,” by Ray Van Horn, Jr.

/ Ray Van Horn, Jr. / 2 Comments

Release day for Revolution Calling is nearly here!

Book Bloggers, fiction and metal music (even horror) websites and periodicals, I have an ARC of the new novel from Raw Earth Ink available for reviews and interviews.

If you work with or are open to a digital copy of Revolution Calling, please inquire with me and I’ll provide you the pdf immediately for your consideration.

I thank you in advance for your support.

About Revolution Calling:

Every generation coming up faces inevitable trials in the great proving ground of high school.  Be cool or be cast out, as the band, Rush, once issued as caveat.  The polarizing definition of cool from a teenager’s world sets its own parameters, often hotly contested amongst a school body’s diverse subdivisions.  Revolution Calling, from veteran music and film journalist Ray Van Horn, Jr. is a retrospective look at high school as he knew it from the alienating stance of heavy metal subculture in the late 1980s.  As a semi autobiography, Revolution Calling is an Outsiders tale for Generation X, an examination of the will to belong on one’s own terms, even when the stakes turn violent.  This is a story of inner and outer turmoil where persecution leads to comeuppance.  The path to acceptance in high school often takes turbulent paths.  For Jason Hamlin and Rob Martino, this is a call-to-arms for their own self-worth and moreover, their self-preservation.

Advance praise for Revolution Calling:

“Ray Van Horn grew up during the 80s metal upheaval and associated culture wars and was clearly paying attention. Revolution Calling captures what it was like to be a metal fan when the music was still dangerous. The book has a vibe that will remind readers of Joe Lansdale and Robert R. McCammon. If you ever wanted a novel that mapped Stranger Things favorite Eddie Munson’s inner life, this is it. Die posers!”


–Justin M. Norton, Decibel Magazine

“A story of everyday heavy metal folk and how their everyday pain is real.”

–Joel McIver, author of To Live is to Die:  The Life & Death of Metallica’s Cliff Burton

“It’s obvious Ray knows his metal, but it’s also obvious he knows his wider pop culture, history, politics and world events, as Van Horn, Jr. snaps us right back to life as a goofy metalhead in the pressure-cooker that was the late ‘80s—or as Morrissey called it, the haties. As well, he delivers action events, concepts and plot in a rock-solid writing style that shines with clarity. Dialogue is mapped-out with similar confidence, allowing Jason and his exquisitely-drawn buddy Rob, as well as the tale’s other characters, to take shape quickly. Completing the circuit and keeping the tale fizzy and effervescent are endless flashes of place names, band names and brand names.”

–Martin Popoff, heavy metal journalist and author

Revolution Calling, by Ray Van Horn, Jr. coming mid-December from Raw Earth Ink

A Sunday Writing Sesh Checklist

/ Ray Van Horn, Jr. / Leave a comment

Laptop fired up, check. A full pint of “The Famous” Taddy Porter from British ale masters, Samuel Smith, check. Sharing of said “Famous” Taddy Porter with Thoth and Sekhmet, check. Kitties dozing in the office with us, check. My baby love working on her own project behind me, bouncing ideas off of each other, check. New tunes spinning from our friend, Jason Myers and his longtime power metal band, Icarus Witch, check. Belly full from a wonderful family gathering yesterday and an early birthday jaunt for the kiddo to iHop, check.

Let’s do this.

–Ray Van Horn, Jr.

Find Your Personal Holy Grail…On Your Terms, No One Else’s

/ Ray Van Horn, Jr. / 2 Comments

Always make it a point to live up to your own standards, not everyone else’s.

By all means, let the success of others inspire to set your own goals, models and aesthetics, but never let that rule your own self worth.

Never let someone else’s success drag you down, point blank. Strive for better, strive to be your best, but take your own path toward your personal holy grail, no matter how long that takes.

Never beat yourself up, figuratively and literally in the pursuit. Always congratulate yourself for having the wherewithal.

After all, it’s always more about the journey than the destination.

–Ray Van Horn, Jr.

I Got My Vader/Fett Burger King Glass after 43 years!

/ Ray Van Horn, Jr. / 5 Comments

So my stepfather, always the treasure hunter, knickknack rescuer and all-out purveyor of “stuff,” dropped me a huge surprise a couple weekends ago from one of his collectible raids.

In 1980, The Empire Strikes Back ruled everything in my 10-year-old world. Much as the original Star Wars did in 1977.

Suffice it to say, I’ve had my own spurts of collecting things throughout my entire life. Lately, it’s down to comic books and the occasional movie soundtrack or score. Thinking back upon on my childhood, I’ll never forget Burger King carrying four drinking glasses sets for all three original Star Wars films, including Return of the Jedi.

I used to have all four from Star Wars: A New Hope as a child, now down to a single with C3P0 and R2D2 on the desert planet, Tatooine. The other three, well, too many moves, too much carelessness in my younger life, always forgetting bubble wrap. So be it.

When The Empire Strikes Back was out, I would harass my father to take me to Burger King every Saturday when a new glass in that cycle arrived. It took us no time to collect the glasses for Lando Calrissian/Princess Leia, Luke Skywalker and Yoda (which I still have) and our droid pals, Artoo and Threepio in a bipolar icy climate on Hoth.

What was the biggest pain back then, was getting the legendary Darth Vader/Boba Fett glass. Given Empire was the debut of everyone’s favorite intergalactic bounty hunter, anything with Fett on it was an instant sell. In Burger King’s case, a instant sell out.

My dad was many things, good and bad, but never let it be said the man didn’t love me, nor would I ever accuse him not going out of his way for me. In this case, I dragged the poor guy to numerous Burger Kings in search of the Vader/Fett glass to no avail.

Every one of them had extras of Lando and Leia the entire run of those glasses. Kinda reminds me of Turbo Man and his pink fuzzball sidekick nobody wanted, Booster. Not that Calrissian, the king of cool in a galaxy far, far away would ever be considered an unwanted kickaround.

In the end, I never got that Vader/Fett glass and I let my dad off the hook after exhausting his patience. As I got older, I thought about that glass, but it became a whatever thing for me, as I pared down and purged most of my collections over time. Sidebar, if you can get your head around it, to snag a glass back then, you only needed to buy a medium Coke for .88 cents!!!

Can you just imagine the shock on my face to find that Vader/Fett glass sitting on my Pop’s bar? The man both did and didn’t have a clue what a magical moment that was for me at 53 years old. Like my cousin, Shawn, scoring those Eddie Murray bobbleheads for us outside the stadium when we got skunked out of them at the gate even showing up an hour early for the Orioles game. Very much like that, only over a more extensive bit of time.

I think my Dad is probably happy and feeling skunked himself from the great beyond that it was Pop who managed to pull it off. But I got my Vader/Fett glass, yo! It’ll be hanging around with me, screw the purges.

–Ray Van Horn, Jr.

Go Be Your Best You

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From a fitness-themed post I did at Facebook last week:

I see you out there, my friends. Many of you making a transformation, seeking a better you, keepin’ on grindin’ I am proud of each of ya, so always believe in yourself.

Not every day do I feel like Godzilla. Sometimes I feel like garbage. Sometimes I gotta kick my own butt. Sometimes I let the daily do smother me.

I’m 53 and sometimes I have to curb and bow out to pain. Most of the time, I’m the old fart in the room doing my thing.

However, we can all be our best selves with commitment and drive to our best abilities. It’s never easy, but don’t let it deter you. Go be your best you.

–Ray Van Horn, Jr.