First off, sorry for the slack in production here at Roads Lesser Traveled! I was hyper focused on finishing my next major project manuscript and will talk about that shortly.

I have no idea how I veered to Trojan condoms while perusing a gallery of vintage advertisements for an entirely different product. Maybe because I was humming a heavy metal tune in my head while doing so, weirdly bleeding into the call-and-response vocals and humming for the Trojan Man slogan. Sing along with me, if you’re inclined, deep baritone if you can pull it off: “Tro-jan Maaaaaan! Tro-jan Maaaaan! Mmmmm-hmmmm-hmmmm…mmmmm-hmmmm-hmmmm…”

M’kay, so with that in mind, I’ll strive to keep this delicate theme as clean as possible. You know what Trojan hucksters. As a teenaged boy, you no doubt circled the contraceptive section of your local pharmacy or Wal Mart like a vulture over carnage, trying to figure out how to get your hands on a box of latex rubbers without the whole dang store (adults, especially) being all up in your business. Hate to say, my dudes, it’s a rite of passage thing. Inescapable unless your vocation has led you toward a seminary.

If you have a girlfriend willing to play, buying condoms gives you more incentive. Bragging rights if you’re confident enough. If you buy Trojans (Magnums if you’re a true playa) or their competitors, Skyn, LifeStyles, Durex or Kimono merely with the hope of being prepared in the event of, then you know full well it’s an awkward buying experience. Something you buy extra things to smother it with at the checkout line like a pack of toilet paper, a half pint of milk and some Hostess Ding Dongs. Okay, I’m being naughty, I’ll stop.

The entire purchasing experience probably as awkward as this hysterical ad for Trojan with its blunt message, Only a pig doesn’t protect himself and his partner when the big moment comes. See what I did there? I said I’d stop, sorry, my bad. Nyuk nyuk, woo woo woo!!!

Evolve, my friends. Or something. Or skin it if you and your partner are just that certain. “Mmmmm-hmmmm-hmmmm…mmmmm-hmmmm-hmmmm…”

–Ray Van Horn, Jr.