55

/ Ray Van Horn, Jr.

This is 55, almost. Older, grayer, but still with all original parts, so far, lol. Happy to be doing what my body gives me, though we have had to come to an understanding this past year. I am strong, reasonably cut, though sore and more tired than I want to be. My heart soars for being able to pursue my ongoing fitness campaign best of all.

I am deeply in love with my wife, proud of my family and friends, especially our hard working kids and my son who finally, “gets it” about life as he prepares for his life in the army. All that we’ve been through, I am so very proud to see where he is heading.

This time next year, TJ’s and my life will change dramatically as we open a new chapter of our own where we aim to cultivate who we are supposed to be in a new home and location. We have everything to look forward to.

I have tremendous joy, but like anyone else, I have my moments of lingering in the doldrums. Right now, as a matter of fact. I love the metal band Deftones so much, because that bombast and Chino Moreno’s incomparable screeching says how I feel at my most confident, but also at my most sullen. When I am deathly quiet, you can most assuredly bet the sound in my head is the Deftones.

I am valued in my position as a real estate title examiner. I have done it for almost 30 years and my brothers and sisters who have slugged in these trenches will attest it takes its toll. It’s given me a way to survive, and for that, I have zero regrets.

The biggest struggle I face other than the minutiae of the cost of living and jockeying amidst the good people and the bad of the world, is feeling voiceless on the quest to be heard with my writing. Funny how that base teen emotion never really goes away. You still want to be heard, you still want to belong, if even to a selected demographic that makes you feel most like you. It’s not just a hustle, this writing business. It’s life. It’s life defining. The California no’s to reach outs and networking stings. The outright no’s sear the soul, no matter how you steel yourself for it. It’s part of the game, period. Thus, the yeses become ferocious wins. I write about this very thing to tragic results in my story, “Lucky Burns” from my new horror collection, Bringing in the Creeps.

I still find myself lamenting my unexpected exit from music and film journalism, but I am so grateful for those 16 years where I slept 3 to 4 hours a night working a day job and covering concerts, doing interviews and media reviews in the evenings and weekends. I had status. I had cred. It was intoxicating being with Blabbermouth and going to pick up my credentials at shows and hearing people say, “Blabbermouth’s in the house!” then watching the bands knock themselves out onstage to make an impression.

I never take that feeling for granted. I know it so deeply, trying to make an impression in everything I do. It means everything to me to translate that success to my horror fiction. After receiving the manuscript for my next novel back from my editor, I have learned new things and hope that evolves me even further. I look forward to growing in year 55, as much as I flog myself and scream Deftones munitions inside my head.

I am grateful, more than anything, to my wife, family, friends, the divine, employers, editors, publishers, readers and fans. I have made many choices in my 55 years I am proud of, a few not so much. The rest have been pragmatic learning experiences and testing of the waters to see what I am capable of and who wants to be a part of my mission. There is where I am infinitely blessed.

15 thoughts on “55”

  3. It’s a difficult lesson to learn for us creatives ~ a lesson everyone else seems to have down pat by the age of three: that we are worth more to this world than what we do, and worth more in this world than any outsider can ever know or say. Sometimes what we do has to get a little wobbly for us to remember that it’s not the be all and end all of our value to the whole. Just thoughts

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • Hello, good evening. Very good comment, although at 43 years old, I thank God that even at this age I continue to learn, even at the age of children, and not only children but also all of creation on Earth. Let us not ignore that we are not the only creative beings that exist on planet Earth. And let us also remember that all human beings make mistakes and learn from them to move forward and overcome life’s obstacles. We do not depend on the value that the world gives us, but on the value that we give ourselves. If we want others to value us, we must begin by giving ourselves that value. Let us also remember that the great Greek thinkers and philosophers greatly influenced politics, science, ethics, and art, and other thinkers such as Kant and Descartes influenced us with their works on knowledge, reason, and morality.😉

      Like

      Reply

  4. Hello, I just want to congratulate you on all your achievements and for your beautiful family. Keep shining as you have done until now. Regarding your age, you are in the best stage of a human being’s life because you have filled yourself with experience, you have tasted triumph and failure, filling yourself with wisdom and capturing it in your books 👏

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • Thank you for all of that, Carol! I do agree this is the best stage of life where things are still mobile, reasonably healthy, full of experiences but craving many more. I’m happy to have drive in all facets of the meaning. I’m exhausted from so much at every turn, but full of ambition and hope.

      Like

      Reply

Leave a reply to Ana Daksina Cancel reply